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WINDOWS
2000 DELAYED (Y2K)
News Release: ---------------------
Redmond,
Washington, January 4, 1999.
Bill Gates, Chairman and CEO of Microsoft Corporation, announced
today that the lastest version of their Windows operating system,
Windows 2000, would be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
No reason was given.
LITE
WISDOM: THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM A DOG
Allow
the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Be loyal. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout . . . run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
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HOW
MANY REPUBLICANS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
We know you've been wondering. :-)
FOUR HUNDRED AND SIXTY-TWO...
Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the
old bulb, twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry, sixteen
to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, thirty-four to
cut the tax rate on light bulbs, fifty-three to design a block grant
so the states can change the
bulb, forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision
gear instead, and two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making
it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the
Internet.
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THE DARWIN AWARD
for Least Effective Use of Technology
You
may or may not have heard of the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor
given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last
year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out of it.
The following story suggests this year's leading contender:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex
of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash,
but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The lab finally figured out
what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to
give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for
taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala
out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some
speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of
the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately
3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent
scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating
properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing
the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing
at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon
to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually
reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically
causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about
2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely
melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks
on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4
miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving
a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater
and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris
believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Needless to say, don't try this at home.
(Thanks to Sam Yokum for this offbeat input.)
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CORPORATE
HUMOR
"Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America"
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the
real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes
it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize
it's a do-it-yourself thing.
(Thanks to Sam Yokum for another stunning piece of nonsense.)
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CHUCKLES:
MICROSOFT ACQUIRES CHRISTMAS
Did Christmas seem different to you this year? Here's
why:
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite
from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.
In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas,
Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft
will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft.
This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired
MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have
made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of
the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed
that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween,
will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft
has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all
of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh
has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release
of Windows97 and Office 97."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly
endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended
with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas
96 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product
from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The
first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization.
This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year."
She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release
Christmas 96. It will be bigger and better than last year."
She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with
MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[96] as early as
November first."
Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996, though
one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end
of the year and may slip into the first half of 1997. An economist
at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to
next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring
the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three
months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be
good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft
controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which
are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out
the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained
that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to
start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining
will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that
holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final
FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable,
even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that
Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means
to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others
contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached
for comment.
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1994's
MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE
All I can tell you is that this is a great story.
It was sent to me from Anartica by Deane Rink. I suppose,
if I had the time, I could try to find out if it's really true;
but, the truth is, I don't really care. It's one of the most
entertaining short, short stories I've read in a long time.
Here goes:
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American
Association
for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills
astounded
his audience in San Diego with the legal complications
of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body
of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound
to the head.
The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story
building
intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating
his
despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor,
his life was
interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him
instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent
was aware that a
safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level
to protect
some window washers and that Opus would not have been
able to
complete his suicide anyway because of this.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets
out to commit
suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism
might not
be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the
way to certain
death nine stories below probably would not have changed
his mode
of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact
that his suicidal
intent would not have been successful caused the medical
examiner
to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the
ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an
elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and
he was
threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset
that, when he
pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and
pellets went
through the window striking Opus. When one intends
to kill
subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is
guilty of the
murder of subject B.
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his
wife were
both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was
loaded. The
old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten
his wife
with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention
to murder her -
therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident.
That
is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who
saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six
weeks prior to
the fatal incident. It transpired that the old
lady had cut off
her son's financial support and the son, knowing the
propensity of
his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded
the gun with
the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case
now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for
the death of
Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation
revealed that
the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent
over
the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's
murder. This
led him to jump off the ten- story building on March
23, only to
be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story
window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
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